In other words, if it doesn't destroy your life while you're trying to survive the horrendous pain inside, then, at the very least, you are no longer the person you were. You pretend that it didn't happen and push the pain deep down inside and believe it'll go away. But it doesn't. It festers and bubbles inside of you for years and years. Some people can't take it and their way out is suicide. Others get help and then yet others aren't strong enough to deal with getting help, but continue on in their own dysfunctional wayward way.
Rape weakens you and tears you down piece by piece. You believe you are a dirty, filthy, piece of human not good enough for the human race. Your relationships are destructive because you feel you don't deserve better. And you pass on all the negative, horrid, self-hating thoughts and feelings to all those close to you including your children.
And most of this is in your subconscious mind waaaaaaaaaaay deep down inside. You constantly make choices that make you continue to be a victim so you can relive the pain over and over and over and over and over and over and over again and again and again and again until you're dead inside. Or almost.
And your dysfunctional behavior makes people laugh at you. They mock you. They believe you're acting like this because you want to and that your behavior is chosen and you're an intentional freaky freak. And they giggle and snicker behind your back. Meanwhile you continue to be the victim over and over again while trying to deal with the horrific pain deep down inside of you that won't go away.
And nothing helps. And the pain never goes away. Nothing can numb it. You raise your head high talking to yourself all the while saying as you try so hard to convince yourself, I am a good person. I come from a good family. I am pretty. Keep talking. Over and over again and you'll convince yourself. NOT! You know the truth. You are a despicable, contemptous, excuse for the human race. You are a filthy, piece of crap and you swallow handfuls of pills trying to dull your pain and it is never enough until you pass out. And years later you wonder how you made it out alive.
You hold in contempt the good guys that want to date you. The good guys that fall in love with you. Dumb asses, you think to yourself as you snicker at their stupidity. You know you belong in the relationships that bring you nothing but pain because you deserve no better. And this may not be easy to believe, but you don't realize this is what you're doing to yourself. These thoughts are not conscious thoughts, but subconscious thoughts and you haven't a clue that you are choosing destructive behaviors.
Thank God I had almost two years of therapy to learn how to deal with my rape and I no longer think/believe like this. Thank GOD I had the courage to persevere through the therapy and bring the pain to the front lines again and deal with it properly. Finally. Most people stop as soon as it gets too painful as it is not the easiest thing to do, reliving your worst nightmare over again. My goodness, I still remember the flood of memories coming back to me, sporadically, that my subconscious mind had blocked out for years.
And something happened a week or so ago that brought up these issues in me again. I met another injured soul that had been raped, and bless her heart her own mother didn't believe her, and she continues to make herself a victim by putting herself in a position to be ridiculed and laughed at by those that don't understand and all those old feelings came rushing out of me again to the front lines. But I have some great friends that have helped me put this into perspective this past week, and I can only pray that this beautiful, injured soul I met will learn to heal herself without making herself a mockery to those oblivious around her.