Rape is ...

Mean

viscious

overwhelming

painful

hurtful

destructive

horrible

horrifying

raw

excrutiating

agonizing

distressing

heartbreaking

dreadful

embarassing

upsetting

unbearable

uncontrollable

In other words, if it doesn't destroy your life while you're trying to survive the horrendous pain inside, then, at the very least, you are no longer the person you were. You pretend that it didn't happen and push the pain deep down inside and believe it'll go away. But it doesn't. It festers and bubbles inside of you for years and years. Some people can't take it and their way out is suicide. Others get help and then yet others aren't strong enough to deal with getting help, but continue on in their own dysfunctional wayward way.

Rape weakens you and tears you down piece by piece. You believe you are a dirty, filthy, piece of human not good enough for the human race. Your relationships are destructive because you feel you don't deserve better. And you pass on all the negative, horrid, self-hating thoughts and feelings to all those close to you including your children.

And most of this is in your subconscious mind waaaaaaaaaaay deep down inside. You constantly make choices that make you continue to be a victim so you can relive the pain over and over and over and over and over and over and over again and again and again and again until you're dead inside. Or almost.

And your dysfunctional behavior makes people laugh at you. They mock you. They believe you're acting like this because you want to and that your behavior is chosen and you're an intentional freaky freak. And they giggle and snicker behind your back. Meanwhile you continue to be the victim over and over again while trying to deal with the horrific pain deep down inside of you that won't go away.

And nothing helps. And the pain never goes away. Nothing can numb it. You raise your head high talking to yourself all the while saying as you try so hard to convince yourself, I am a good person. I come from a good family. I am pretty. Keep talking. Over and over again and you'll convince yourself. NOT! You know the truth. You are a despicable, contemptous, excuse for the human race. You are a filthy, piece of crap and you swallow handfuls of pills trying to dull your pain and it is never enough until you pass out. And years later you wonder how you made it out alive.

You hold in contempt the good guys that want to date you. The good guys that fall in love with you. Dumb asses, you think to yourself as you snicker at their stupidity. You know you belong in the relationships that bring you nothing but pain because you deserve no better. And this may not be easy to believe, but you don't realize this is what you're doing to yourself. These thoughts are not conscious thoughts, but subconscious thoughts and you haven't a clue that you are choosing destructive behaviors.

Thank God I had almost two years of therapy to learn how to deal with my rape and I no longer think/believe like this. Thank GOD I had the courage to persevere through the therapy and bring the pain to the front lines again and deal with it properly. Finally. Most people stop as soon as it gets too painful as it is not the easiest thing to do, reliving your worst nightmare over again. My goodness, I still remember the flood of memories coming back to me, sporadically, that my subconscious mind had blocked out for years.

And something happened a week or so ago that brought up these issues in me again. I met another injured soul that had been raped, and bless her heart her own mother didn't believe her, and she continues to make herself a victim by putting herself in a position to be ridiculed and laughed at by those that don't understand and all those old feelings came rushing out of me again to the front lines. But I have some great friends that have helped me put this into perspective this past week, and I can only pray that this beautiful, injured soul I met will learn to heal herself without making herself a mockery to those oblivious around her.

Amen.

Rape is not ...

funny

amusing

comical

enjoyable

pain free

humorous

laughable

hilarious

pleasant

erotic

pornographic

desirable

enviable

sought after

pleasing

SEXUAL

There is absolutely NOTHING sexual about rape!

For the few perverted that think it's cool for a person to be forced to have sex against their will. For those that giggle at the thought of rape I want you to imagine it happening to your mother, wife, children, YOURSELF!

Honduras

Renea is contemplating a trip to Honduras next June. Interesting. That's where I was going to go in the first place until one of 4 hurricanes cancelled the trip. Colombia was then the next option. I emailed Renea and told her to count me in after speaking to my husband about it.

My husband. Not many men let their wives travel the country and the world without them. What a man!

Gosh! I don't even have my Colombia trip published yet!

Did I mention that it was pretty hot that day (for Ohio standards) and the kids enjoyed a good hosing down along with the car.

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Here are the grandkids helping grandma wash the bugs off her car from her road trip north.

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As Gomer Pyle would say ...

Surprise! Surprise! Surprise!

On Monday, the 11th, I received a letter from TSA, Transportation Security Administration, saying that it was determined that I was no threat to security.

On Tuesday morning another company called me wanting an interview. The hours and pay are the same as the other job, BUT!!! It's a Monday -- Friday position. I accepted it happily and signed the paper for (another) background check and also went and took a drug test.

On Thursday my new license arrived in the mail with the TX endorsement.

Surprise. Surprise. Surprise.

To drive

or not to drive.

I received a phone call today from a Ryder truck driving job. Background check is fine and he hopes I'm enjoying my vacation. Contact him next week so that I can get a physical/drug test/road test.

And I don't want the job.

The pay sucks and I only get one day off/week. And because it's a 365 day operation it'll probably be during the week which means that I won't have a day off with my husband ... ever.

What's a girl to do? My husband says I need to start somewhere, but damn.

Look at me! Shame on me! I haven't driven in 10 years and finally get someone to take my application seriously and I'm acting like a spoiled baby.

Just wait until I get home!!!

I've got lots of pictures to post. I'm having such a glorious time. Lots of food, lots of family, and lots of grandkids.

Yesterday the grandkids and I went up to United Dairy Farmers for some ice cream. And we sat inside and ate it on a cone. Ha ha ha! What a mess. I ended up getting a spoon and assisting the youngest one, and both wore it all over their faces and on their clothes regardless of any assistance from grandma, but they were sure enjoying themselves.

Later in the afternoon we walked up to the park. There were no swings there, but there was a huge slide/play gym and they enjoyed the heck of themselves there also. In a little while, worried/concerned mamma came looking for us. Both kids saw here and screamed, MOMMY!!! And went running to her. Nothing like your mamma! Nothing like it.

I'm also enjoying a nice reprieve from the oppresive heat that's in sunny FL at this time of year. There was a couple of hot days since I've been here, but I was in MI and by pools for both of them. Now that I'm back in OH the temperatures are in the lower 80's. Nice.

Acceptable

Perhaps.

I believe my hazmat application has finally gone through. Nothing has come back to me and it's been over two weeks since I resent my reapplireapplication. Last time they received my reapplication (Is that a word? If not, it should be.) on 6/13 (I had requested a signed receipt) and their letter was postmarked 6/15. This last signed receipt was dated 6/20 and, well, it's been almost 3 weeks and no more letters from the state asking me to fill out another application.

And I believe I know what the problem was. But first you must understand that this application was VERY BASIC. Name, previous name. Address, previous address. Height, weight, color of your eyes, drivers license number, state issued.

Ahhhh ... and that is where the problem was. I believe. Drivers license number is P123456789 and the next box said, state issued (sor). I assumed they meant the state that went along with the number of my present license. So on the last application I said, FL/was OH. OH being the state my CDL was originally issued. And perhaps the abbreviation I have no clue what it stands for meant state originally registered? Hell! I don't know!

Give me a break.

Now lets see how long it takes to get that TX endorsement!

Hitting the road

In about 9 hours I will be heading north. To the Buckeye State. To see my daughter, her hubby, and the grandbabies. Car is almost all loaded and there is all kinds of goodies in the car.

Due to my unemployment status there aren't a lot of gifts, but there's a lot of thought in those boxes. We're going to eat good. I've got a boneless lamb roast, half a bushel of mangos, CHOCOLATE, a case of mango nectar, CHOCOLATE, an 18 pack of long necked MGD's, CHOCOLATE, wild salmon, CHOCOLATE, ... need I say more?

On the 4th we're going to Michigan to see the rest of the family. My brother, who I haven't seen in over 5 years will be there. That is why I'm making such an effort. Lord knows I can't entice him here even though he's in the Binghamton, New York area and it snows like crazy there and I'm in sunny Florida. Southwest Florida, where you never have to turn on the heat except for heating the hot tub.

I'm driving, on what the news is forecasting could be the busiest travel weekend of the year. Ugh. I'm hoping they're all gone and that tomorrow, Saturday, will be fairly decent. Keeping my fingers crossed.